The gods in their infinite wisdom...cough, cough....

The gods in their infinite wisdom...cough, cough.... saw fit a couple of weeks ago to test both my constitution and my charisma in this ongoing role play called life....




On September 7, I had a heart attack and the following Thursday I went under the knife for a double bypass surgery.  My sanity was tested as I came out from under anesthetic when I entered a several hour time loop, and was unable through any means to change the circumstances within the loop. I always thought it was just a novel plot for a movie, but there is something intensely frightening about actually experiencing a time loop.


I was able to leave the hospital after about 5 days, but the Doctors warned me that I would not be able to return to my "real life" for three to four months. During the first two weeks at home I was attended by my grandmother and my mother...definitely an interesting situation, and I like to think that I grew in patience and in wisdom, but frustration and animosity might be a more accurate assessment. 
I was approached between heart attack and surgery by a young woman I barely know, who wanted desperately to help.... so we talked for a few days and she decided to create a chip-in account in my name, to help offset my living expenses while I am not working.

Now I am not one who really likes to ask for help, especially from complete strangers, but I am going to. 
If you would like to help offset my living expenses while I am out of work, please feel free to follow the link.
http://seanwalker.chipin.com/sean-walker



I am definitely trying to get back into the groove of writing.... peace
Sean

Redefining the Seven Basic Principles: Success

The Principle of Success.


Success is a concept that everyone can get behind, and Mr. Gothard has up to this point done a good job of leading up to this principle...teasing and flirting with his audience that he will be giving wonderful information about how to have true success. What he actually delivers in these sessions is his own personal brand of meditation.

The very idea of meditation was, in my home ridiculed until the word sprang forth from the mouth of Bill Gothard. I'm sure this was in part due to the popularization in the late 60's of Transcendental Meditation, or TM as it became known. It's easy to ridicule what you do not understand or the things that "don't apply" to you. The image given to me of meditation was one of bald-headed monks sitting for hours on end with no other goal than to "empty their minds" or of drug addled hippies swarming after the next great swami. In my conservative, white, middle-class, Southern Baptist home the concept was condemned simply because it came from the far east and was practiced by Buddhists and must therefore be associated with the worship of false gods.

One could say that Bill Gothard revolutionized both success and meditation for Christendom by redefining it based on a single verse out of the Old Testament. Joshua 1:8 states “This book of the law shall not depart out of thy mouth; but thou shalt meditate therein day and night, that thou mayest observe to do according to all that is written therein: for then thou shalt make thy way prosperous, and then thou shalt have good success”
Based soley on this verse and his own theories Mr. Gothard defined Success thus:

 "Discovering God’s purpose for my life by engrafting Scripture in my heart and mind, and using it to “think God’s thoughts” and make wise decisions. Meditating on Scripture brings Life Purpose."

Meditating was likened to the ruminating of sheep and cattle...(which if you really think about it could turn your stomach)...These animals have multiple stomachs none of which can draw the full nutritive value from the food that has been eaten, so that they must eat and vomit and reingest their vomit multiple times to get anything out of their food. Yep.... a very appealing analogy for sure.

Citing the reversal of his own bad grades, Mr. Gothard appears to have a clear case in his favor for this idea, yet he fails to mention that the discipline it took to memorize anything has a positive effect on schoolwork. He also fails to mention that the confidence that comes from doing one thing well translates well into doing most things well. And then he begins to tell us that "God's law" is the ONLY thing we are to study...mentioning (with great emphasis) the story of the Rabbi and the student who asked if they could study other religions, to wit the Rabbi replied with Joshua 1:8 saying that if the student could find a time that was neither day or night, then they would be allowed to study other beliefs during that time.

I believe that it is at this time that he introduces the Advanced Training Institute...a home education and apprenticeship learning program that is based in using the Bible to teach all academic subjects. Need to learn science?....there's a verse for that. How about Arithmetic?....there's a verse for that. Medicine? Grammar? History? Language?(of course the options are Greek...) well, we have bible verses to cover everything under the sun...and then some.....all taken out of context with the subjects sufficiently spiritualized  to be unrecognizable.


The real question at this point I think, is "Does it work?" like, ANY of it?

Actually the question I have been asking myself as I write these posts is even more important to me...

Is there ANY good to be taken from this experience, or was it just a waste of twenty years of my life?

Redefining the Seven Basic Principles: Freedom

The Principle of Freedom

started this small series of posts in an effort to retell my own story in a more positive light. To try to "re-experience" my youth in a way that made those years not feel quite so wasted. Up to this point, in my mind, I have largely succeeded, but this very post has been a headache for me for weeks. I am beginning to believe that there are some things which have no redeeming value, and this is one of them.

Saturday at the Seminar brought a new and exciting definition to a concept as old as humanity...Freedom.  The Principle of Freedom was posited as Enjoying the desire and power to do that which is right, rather than claiming the privilege of doing what I want. This definition was strengthened by tying it to "moral purity".

The thing is, under the guise of freedom and moral purity a litany of rules and regulations, or as Bill like to call them, "convictions" regarding personal behavior were laid down and "Others may, I cannot" became the mantra of the faithful, the battle cry of the Christian elite. Injunctions were given against all but certain types of music, against dating, divorce, remarriage, family planning and a multitude of other "worldly activities" Even higher education was targeted because it gave a sense of accomplishment(translation: PRIDE).

Of course what invariably happens when you give people lists of objectives, happened. We took up the battle cry and dashed it against our peers, placing ourselves on pedestals of holiness, cloaked in the fine garment of "freedom", looking down on the world and other believers muttering to ourselves the exact same words as the Pharisees of old "Thank you God, that I am not like other men...."

To be fair, Gothard was partially correct...Freedom is not "exercising the privilege to do what I want", but neither is it "the desire and power to do what is right" Those two things are actions and freedom is a state of being. Freedom is something you have or do not have, not something you do. Freedom is quite simply the ability to make a choice.

The logical fallacy of the definition is in the implication that "what is right" and "what I want" are opposing factors. That the "right" is somehow appropriate while my desire is inappropriate. One could go into questioning who gets to decide what is "right" or "wrong" at this point, but that argument is neither here nor there. The reality of the situation is that piling rules, whatever you want to call them and whoever chooses to make them, on anyone, whether yourself or someone else, does not a free man make.

I have tried to find a positive here in what I was taught and I cannot do it. Because of these teachings I do not know how to create a meaningful relationship of any type. I second guess my every move even to this day, I judge others by a standard they know nothing about and does not even apply to them.

It has taken me years to learn the true definition of freedom and several more to learn that "right" is just as subjective as "desire".


 But maybe the biggest lesson to be learned here is that if there is "only one course to choose between" then there is no choice, and by extension, there is only slavery.

Redefining the Seven Basic Principles: Ownership

Day Six.... the final day.....

It's been 25 years since my first "day six", but I can still close my eyes and be right there with 3000 other people in the OKC Civic Center. It was probably midnight before we went to bed the night  before...now, at 8 AM it starts again. Thirteen hours of lecture...Just what my 12 year old self needed.

The next principle is the Principle of Ownership. Mr Gothard takes aim here, at what appears to be a rise in materialism in the early 60's, by defining this principle as "Understanding that everything I have has been entrusted to me by God, and wisely using it for his purposes."  This is actually a pretty decent idea when applied to material goods...partially because we tend to take better care of other people's things than we do our own, but once again, Mr. Gothard seems to lay a foundation for abusive behavior when he extends this concept to include not only material items but also expectations.

We were "strongly encouraged", a phrase used to put the fear of God in the hearts of many young people, to "yield our rights" to our expectations of how others should act...this was addressed primarily in relationship to expectations laid on authority figures, although there was some discussion of the expectation of parents to children and spouses to one another. We learned that not yielding rights to our expectations produces bitterness(a stronghold which must be torn down) in our lives. We learned, but not in so many words, that those under authority had no rights and should have no expectations, but those in authority had rights and their expectations must be lived up to.

One more principle that stripped us o our humanity, our true courage, our wonder....Another weight, another expectation we must live up to, while we were afforded none. We learned that to be angry, disappointed, hurt or confused were all evidences of failing to yield some right or expectation. Even adults were expected to give up their right to make decisions for themselves to their parents, especially in the areas relating love and marriage and the raising of their children.

Of course, many of these lessons were not taught outright at the Basic Seminar... some of them you had to attend an Advanced Seminar to learn, but more of them came through the homeschool curriculum, or were implied and enforced over time inside the organization.

the reality is that while the original idea is solid it strays in the teaching. It is good to guard your belongings and even your expectations loosely because that will generate less friction. However, there are certain expectations that should be held...that should be met. The expectation of a child that their parents will love them and do anything to protect them. The expectation that justice will be served...The expectation to be treated with a measure of respect...

There is a difference between being a "steward" and a doormat, and Mr Gothard knows how to craft doormats!

By effectively removing expectations, Mr. Gothard built a generation with no personal values, no intrinsic self-worth, no innate confidence. We became parrots, peacocking values that were not our own and wearing paper armor.



So...What is the moral here?.... Honestly, Who Knows?

It's ok to view life as if you own nothing, to treat others with deference and give to those with needs...in fact, that is noble... but if you let yourself get walked on once, you will keep getting trampled until you get up off the ground and grab an expectation and resolutely say "NO MORE!"


NO MORE...will I let you treat me without respect for who I am as a person, an individual, and an adult!
NO MORE will I let you make my decisions for me as if I were two years old!
NO MORE will I kowtow to your values because they are what you believe I should believe!
NO MORE will I refuse to hold you accountable to the standard you judge me by!
NO MORE will I look the other way when the innocent are being abused!

NO MORE will I stand idly by when you mock me, degrade me and intentionally wound me!

NO MORE will I give up my right to expect you to treat me with kindness, love and respect.

Redefining the Seven Basic Principles: Suffering

Some people, by day four, have bailed.... seeing the incongruities and inconsistencies for what they are. Some, like myself, are so hungry for answers that it doesn't matter that things aren't adding up. By this time you are hearing Bill Gothard's inflectionless, metronomic voice wax eloquently in your sleep (sometimes to wake and find yourself still at the seminar). You're talking to your seatmates about how revolutionary these concepts are and wondering why you didn't find them all the times you read the Bible. You have begun to question the things you were previously taught as well as the things you have discovered on your own that don't agree with this one seminar, and you are praising God that He has lifted up such a mighty man of God to teach you these truths...and then the evenings session begins.

It occurs to me as I am writing this, that after day two I may have the order of subjects a little mixed up. I haven't attended a Basic Seminar in years, but the impressions made at that young age have been indelible.

Today we deal with the Principle of Suffering. Day in and day out people ask the same question..."Why do bad things happen to good people?" Today is the day that Mr. Gothard wraps the answer to that question into a tidy little package and with his characteristic grin and monotone delivers this message: "Suffering...is...allowing the hurts of others...to reveal..."blind spots"...in my own life...and then...seeing...how I can benefit...their lives... ... ...fully...forgiving...offenders... brings genuine joy."

Soooo, here is this teacher encouraging people to find the good in their circumstances(which in and of itself is awesome, by the way) while quietly insinuating that the circumstance is entirely their fault because they haven't fully forgiven some unnamed person in their past, for some offense, real or imagined.

What happens when a child, or adult for that matter, is in an abusive situation? When a parent,guardian or "trusted authority" is physically, emotionally, verbally or sexually abusive? I personally know several people who asked Mr. Gothard this very question, not as a hypothetical, but because they were being abused. In each and every case the victim was instructed to 1)reain under that authority, 2)forgive the abuser and 3) not talk about the situation.  These MINORS were not encouraged to go to the police, nor were the abusers reported to the police. The victims were instructed to serve these abusive people with a smile so that the abuser would be led to Christ...and when things didn't change positively in their lives, they were asked what THEY were bitter about or where they were out from under authority or some similar question.
Coming from an institution that molds abusers and victims faster than Sarumon can conjure a new batch of beasties, I have to think very carefully and with great detatchment to find the kernel of truth here. The language that I learned this lesson in doesn't suit, laymans terms seems to offer a more fitting translation...

SHIT HAPPENS! It happens to good people and bad, to pretty people and the ugly, to passionate people and to indifferent people as well...HOW you see the SHIT determines how you USE the SHIT... it can either be that smelly substance that gets ground into your carpet, or you can put it around your rose bushes and grow prize winning flowers...Its up to you, but you WILL deal with it one way or the other.

Yep, pretty much the only good from this principle is that you can turn a bad situation into a good one (or at least a better one) by the way that you handle it.

Redefining the Seven Basic Principles: Responsibility

Again, on paper, Bill Gothard's Principle of Responsibility sounds good. He states that it is recognizing that I am responsible to God for my thoughts, words and deeds and that I should strive to maintain a clear conscience. As stated, this appears quite noble, but there are much deeper ramifications to this "non-optional principle" that border on, if not completely cross into emotional abuse.

It is very easy to agree with this concept when you live in a society where no-one wants to be the responsible party for anything in their lives. Where passing the buck is behavior that is modeled for us from the highest levels to the lowest.

The reality was that we were taught very differently from the high-minded ideals of the Basic Seminar Textbook. We weren't taught that personal responsibility should be taken for the good as well as the bad. If we tried to take responsibility for the good results in our lives, then we were demonstrating the sin of Pride, because only God can give us good things and he ONLY did it to bring glory to himself. A good outcome was NEVER the natural result of a good decision, but the only way a bad thing could happen was for there to be some moral failure on my part, and usually that moral failure had something to do with being out from under authority.

I spent my entire youth believing(as I had been taught) that if a young man experienced lust for a  young lady, then it was because she hadn't dressed appropriately, or she had moved in a provocative manner, or had looked at him with "come hither" eyes, or she was simply out from under her father's "umbrella of protection" and therefore compromised and impure. That his lust had absolutely nothing to do with the hormonal fluctuations of puberty or that he had any responsibility in the matter.

Of course, this principle, like authority, tied into all the others. If you didn't accept God's design, you needed to clear your conscience,,,If you didn't agree with a parent or other leader, the same thing. If you didn't keep your commitments...debt was taught to be an evidence of moral failure therefore if you had debt of any kind, you needed to clear your conscience. It was the same if you did the right thing at the wrong time or for the wrong reasons. The Institute created a sub-culture where every thought, word, and deed was wrong if your ONLY MOTIVATIONS were not to 1)please the Lord, or 2) stay under authority.
Every motive was second guessed by all and guilt reigned supreme under the guise of maintaining a clear conscience.

I have been away from the above lifestyle for almost 20 years and am still being negatively affected by this mindset. The worry that I have done something to offend someone else is ever present, though not as pervasive as it once was. I still carry the burden of blaming myself for others actions and for "negative" circumstances. It has taken me many years to understand that I am not responsible for someone else's negative reaction. Although I can help to direct their reaction, it is ultimately their responsibility how they react to stimulus. It has also taken me many years to learn that someone will always be offended regardless of what you do/say or how you do or say it.

Although I have learned some parts of this lesson elsewhere, the Institute did instill in me a profound sense of responsibility for my own behavior. My past may have been molded by my decision making skills, but I am responsible for my motives, my words, my thoughts and my actions. both good and not so good. Life has taught me that every action brings a result and every result brings about a lesson.


It is not impossible to own triumphs without excessive pride, and owning them builds confidence and the desire to push forward. Owning your mistakes can be just as valuable and as positive as your triumphs, for each mistake tells you one more way not to reach your goals and marks one more path as a dead end. While it is important to realize the part you play in another persons choice, and determine whether you need to change your behaviour... their choices, actions and reactions are THEIR responsibility.
Because of the Institute I learned to bear responsiblity for my actions. It wasn't until I was out of the clutches of the organization (in fact, it wasn't until recently) that I saw that I was in fact taking more than my share of responsibility in a given situation.

I believe, and have seen played out in my life, that taking more responsibility is just as detrimental as taking none at all, and can be more damaging in the long run as it causes on to live a life shackled by false grief.

Redefining the Seven Basic Principles: Authority

It is difficult for me to remember as I write these posts, that my purpose is not to 
speak about these principles as they have been taught to me, but rather that I am looking
for the underlying truths that can be taken away from those teachings. This does not mean 
that I will not be relating the principles as they were taught to me by word and deed.
but as a reminder to myself not to get bogged down in the dogmas of the principles.


The principle of authority is probably one of the most controversial of the Institutes' 7
Basic Principles. It is the lynch-pin of the seminar...the "one to rule them all." the
success of each of the other six principles hangs on this one.

Day two of the Basic Seminar (or just "the Basic" as we called it) started promptly at
7pm, and the next 4 hours were spent explaining how the Principle of Authority is
honoring the responsibilities of parents, church leaders, government, and other
authorities and learning how God works through them to provide direction and protection.
On the surface this sounds innocuous enough, right? I'll go so far as to say it even
sounds good.(Especially if you happen to be the parent of a teenager.) but, as is
demonstrated by the Turkey Vulture in Character Sketches... things are not always what
they seem.

There is an absolutism to the concept of authority as taught by Mr. Gothard. Almost
militaristic in it's definition, respect is given to "office" or "position" rather that
character(which, ironically enough is at odds with other core teachings of the 
Institute). Young people are taught that character is the end all, be all... but then are
expected to honor(read: unquestioning, immediate obedience) any authority figure
regardless of their character, or lack thereof. The concept of earned respect was unheard
of unless you were a child, and a child could only earn respect by continual 
demonstration of a meek and quiet spirit, unquestioning, immediate obedience,
and a single infraction destroyed months, even years worth of good behavior.

One of the worst things for me was that every time anything untoward happened...down to a
paper cut... it was the result of my being out from under authority, that any negative
occurance was the direct result of moral failure on my part. The guilt from carrying that
much responsibility for circumstances beyond my control was agony. I think the biggest
problem with this part of this system is that it seems to breed abuse since the gist of
the teaching is that the father is right, even when he is wrong. This attitude that
"whatever I say is right because I am the father and God put me in charge", is the epitome
of a power trip and creates an extremely nurturing environment for abusive authorities.
Because this authority is so absolute there is a sense that, rather than being held to a
higher standard, parents are above the rules.

I think this is the most difficult of the principles for me to reconcile with any
positive take-away.The obsession with authority is unhealthy at best. While it is true
that the purpose of authority figures is to provide direction and protection, they do not have
a direct line from God and should never have absolute power over any individual but
themselves.

But the Institute's idea of authority moves in two directions. The first deals with the
one in authority... whose primary responsibility is to make the rules and enforce them.
The second is the one who should be under authority. Unfortunately a disservice is done
to both parties. It was said long ago that absolute power corrupts absolutely... while
this is very true, it also works in reverse...Absolute submission stunts subconsciously.
The biggest problem, in my opinion, with this principle is where to draw the line. Within
this system, fathers are still authorities over daughters(regardless of age) until they
marry. Sons are also still to remain "under authority" until they marry, and while in
concept this could be a good thing, logistically it is a nightmare. Children do not learn
how to make the "wise decisions" that they are expected to make.

So, what do I take away from this twisted view of authority?

Honestly?... a healthy respect for people who do not have this view of the subject.


To this day the word AUTHORITY leaves a taste in my mouth that is somewhere between
rotten milk and the backspray of a concentrated bathroom cleaner. I cringe and bristle when
someone dares to tell me that I should give them respect that they haven't earned. Maybe
my takeaway is that I do not have to respond the way that I was taught, understanding
that this is not a healthy lifestyle for me. The realization that authority is given to
others regardless of their worthiness, but true power to change my life or the lives of
others is only manifested through mutual respect. The idea that having a position of power
is not the same thing as having power and that no-one regardless of position can have any
power over me that I do not give them or that I cannot take away from them.
The reality is, though, that the idea which carries the least weight is the one that is
expounded on and multiplied and carried to a whole 'nother level, and authority is that
idea.

Redefining the Seven Basic Principles: Design

I was twelve years old when I attended my first Basic Seminar. My parents had to get special permission due to my age. I believe I was much too young to attend, but I was hungry to learn, eager to be an adult. The Basic Seminar has been likened to taking a sip from a fire hydrant, and I eagerly soaked it all in like a parched, sandy desert.

The first day of the seminar focused on causes of conflict and the Principle of Design. Four hours of furious note taking dedicated to "understanding the specific purposes for which God created each person, object and relationship in my life and living in harmony with them."

Looking back as an adult, this concept seems like a given, and innocuous enough, but to a twelve year old having tremendous identity issues this was agony.

The basic premise of this principle has been reiterated by parents for years. "God don't make mistakes." and "Everything happens for a reason." While these two things are  true, there was, for twelve year old me, an undercurrent of defeatism held in those words. My purpose was planned and there was nothing I could or should do to change it. There was only one plan... a son or daughter could look forward to ministry, marriage and more ministry. Even this early in the seminar there was emphasis on ministry over career, marriage over career. Great lengths were taken to reinforce the social and gender strata of the 1950's and earlier.

We were taught that there were ten unchangeables that we must accept to receive God's blessing.
These unchangeables were:
1. Our Parents... who we could not choose(and subsequently they couldn't really choose us either...)
2.Our Gender... again with the God makes no mistakes rhetoric... You are either a boy or a girl, this is a fact that could never be changed... (funny no mention of the multitude of varieties of intersex characteristics. How can you be either or if you are both?)
3. Our Physical Features... yes that includes the schnaz... but more importantly it includes those things that are considered "non-life threatening deformities" that can be surgically corrected to improve ones quality of life.
4. Mental Capacity... Somewhere in here is hidden the idea that you can't change stupid...That each person can only learn so much... That individuals with disorders like Downs' Syndrome  or Autism Spectrum Disorders are not intelligent and should never try to be.
5. Race/Nationality... Ok, so one cannot change their ethnicity, but why is this even coming into the picture? especially since many individuals issues with their own race comes from classism and stereotyping.
6. Birth Order....because how many kids there were before or after you determines what your character is... in exactly the same way that being born under a certain astrological sign does (ok, maybe they do, but while birth order seems to be the holy grail in this system, astrology is evil incarnate.)
7. Brothers and sisters... yep, we can't choose that...but this system looked down on my parents because they were unable to bear more children... how is that congruous with this teaching?
8. Time in History...So, I must accept that I was born in the 70's... by recreating the 50's?
9.Aging...I will agree with this... we cannot control the fact that our bodies age, but we can control the speed at which it ages and the degree to which it breaks down.
10. Death... yeah, the final act... death reaches us all.

There is an idea within the confines of the Institute that mirrors basic occult teaching (which is in and of itself ironic since the Institute decries anything vaguely and remotely "occult" except maybe birth order and spiritual gifts...) that a persons' name is powerful and can intentionally or inadvertently direct their life. Part of the principle of design, though not taught directly is that the name given to an individual by their parents is God's choice of name for that person. This ties directly, as do all of the other principles to the principle of authority...which we will get to later. There is implication, if not direct teaching that an understanding of the meaning of one's name can alter the course of one's life...with many anecdotal illustrations given to support this idea.

I think that many of these ideas were well intentioned, but to my twelve year old mind this principle was not the empowering guidepost it should have been, rather it bred in me a form of nihilism that I have fought since that day.

"Why try?" is a question I have asked myself too many times to count.

As an adult, sitting here trying to sort out the mess of my past, I have to ask myself "What is this principle all about?"
Today my worldview is decidedly different. Today I do not claim a particular religion or spiritual path, so if I use the term God it is for simplicities sake. I mention this because at it's core IBLP is a Christian organization, but many who have experienced these teachings have moved to other faiths or none at all. I may use many different terms to denote the concept  commonly referred to as God.

I believe the purpose of the concept of the Principle of Design is to empower the individual. This principle speaks to all six of the basic human needs: significance, certainty, uncertainty, connection, contribution and growth. That each individual has a purpose, a goal to strive for, a personal journey of growth or what some would call enlightenment is the take away truth of this principle.
The signpost of the principle of design is to embolden us to seek our purpose, to give us the confidence to make choices that are in harmony with that purpose and give us the ability to see every circumstance and relationship of our lives as being preparation and proving ground for the successful fulfillment of the purpose we have found.
The late Joseph Campbell once said "Follow your bliss." This statement has confounded me for years until I heard a message by Rev. TD Jakes about living on purpose. He said that everyone has a gift, and you know you are operating out of your gift when you lose all track of time. When I heard that statement my heart echoed "Follow your bliss!" and I realized that  finding your purpose is as easy as losing track of time.

I have come to realize that many of the things I was taught about this principle were simply one man's understanding and my misunderstanding of this truth. I see now that social constructs of position and gender can in many cases help one find their purpose, but that there are those who must, like Bilbo Baggins, leave the shire to fulfill their destiny.

Redefining the Seven Basic Principles

As messed up as the IBLP system is, and as messed up as Bill Gothard is, there is a part of me that says there is truth in what he teaches. One must not read that, however, as "what he teaches is THE TRUTH", but rather that there are truths in the principles.

I believe that at the core, the Institute teaches a version of the law of attraction, however it is being taught as a form of illusory freedom. Principles are much like scientific theory, in that they are guideposts to expectation. Principles are like footlamps, they give you enough information to take the next step. A footlamp does not tell you where to step, it simply shines light on the places that can be stepped on and illuminates the nature of the ground around you. Their purpose is simply to give you enough information to make a rational decision.
I would like to look at the principles with both a critical eye and an open heart, to find the needles in the haystacks.
I have a feeling, deep in my gut, that this exercise may be painful. There has been so much pain for me through this system, and I am sure that a deep investigation will be more intense than the cursory glances that I have afforded myself to date. The reality, however, is that these wounds will not heal until they are reopened, debrided, cleaned and properly dressed...and the anger, frustration and pain have been inflamed and infected for far too long.

The world of IBLP is strikingly similar on many levels to that of Tolkien's Middle Earth. Segregation, fear, blame and distrust have been bred from decades of higher standards and a "calling" to "give the world a new approach to life". Few are those who have passed through those hallowed halls unscathed. Marriages have failed, lives lost, families destroyed through fanatical misapplication of truths. Judgments have been made and those most damaged are hard pressed to find any redeeming value in the message.
I have come to a place in my life that I must address these issues. Not the pain itself, but I must look at my experience with this organization and find the redeeming factors not only for my own sanity but as my part in helping others who have been damaged by being "Institutionalized".

So back to Middle Earth and Mordor.....

In the wake of the free love movement and that new thing called Rock-n-Roll, Seven principles were forged, imbued with the power to give the world a new approach to life. In secret however, one principle was singled out and infused with the power to rule them all...

Like the rings of the fellowship, no one realized  that the other principles were inextricably tied to the one, and in the beginning no one knew the chaos that would ensue.

I must be honest here, although I will try, I cannot write this objectively... I am not an outsider looking in... My own journey has been fraught with anger, weariness and bitter tears. I have been unable to live up to the expectations of the organization and had my hopes of making a difference as a part of this ministry dashed to a thousand pieces time and again. I write this out of a profound need to find some positive in what I feel has been a wasted lifetime. I write in part to recreate my story, that I might be freed from the tyranny of principle and no longer be a victim of my past. I write in part that others may not see those years as wasted in their own lives, and I write to reconcile the truths of my heart with the experience of my life.

The Change You Wish to See

We have heard it a thousand times...the familiar mantra...."Be the change that you wish to see in the world"

Inspiring.

Empowering.

It is a call to action with tremendous  appeal, I mean, let's face it. Who doesn't want to think of themselves as a catalyst for positive change? Right?

Unfortunately it is a call to action that falls flat more times than not. The shortcomings of the call is not in the call itself, but rather in our understanding of what it means "to BE". Shakespeare voiced the quandry himself, those eons ago when he penned "To be or not to be, that is the question."
What most of us fail to realize is that with every waking moment, every breath we take, we ARE the change we wish to see in the world. The harsh reality is that most of us would rather bitch about the status quo than see actual change.

Think about it....

Our favorite grocery store... you know, the one with the really low prices... is understaffed in order to keep the prices low... so we bitch about the quality of the customer service, the length of the lines, the cleanliness of the building.  Management hears the complaints and adds more staff, raising the prices a bit to pay for the changes... which only adds to our list of things to complain about.

Change has a price... sometimes that price is just the cost of getting up off of our lazy asses and doing something.

We can wish to see ourselves 20 lbs lighter and in better health, but until we start doing something about it, all we will see is ourselves packing on the pounds.

the reality is, when we want something badly enough, we do get up off our duffs and go for it...

If we are not willing to pay the price, well, I guess we just don't really want it...

losing the freedom of wonder

I don't even know what I want to write, I guess I am just hoping that if I start it will make it's way out. I understand that the journey is more about the process than the destination, but I would like some clue as to where I will end up. I guess I fear getting lost. I don't know why, but I think that maybe that is one of my biggest fears in this journey called life.

I've never really followed a rabbit trail to it's logical conclusion. I have always fought to bring myself back "to the plan". In our society rabbit trails and wild goose chases are frowned upon. The exploratory mind, with all it's wonder and enthusiasm, is labeled a medical malfunction.

We take trips and see not what surrounds us, but only the dotted line before us and the looming clock of our itinerary. Our only conscious concern is "Are we there yet?" We reward punctuality and tolerate discovery only when it fits within budgetary and time constraints. Time pieces encroach upon our lives, forcing out curiosity.

What we lose becoming adults is not the lack of responsibility of childhood, but the freedom of wonder. Natural curiosity is reduced to occasionally pushing boundaries. But that is how it is in larger society, and I am attempting to go deeper into myself. It is easy to remove the scrutiny of the self, replacing the personal with the royal. Often it is preferable to shift one's gaze outward rather than inward, to rail against the injustices, oversights and accusations of the group, hoping that the whole will learn that which the parts refuse. To look inward requires illuminating the darkness within... not the unknown, but rather the unacknowledged. To peer into the depths of the Soul and see that my failures and my successes are mine alone. To see the reality of choice for what it is... independent of external influence or theistic coercion.
Too often I don not wish to see these truths. The points along the journey when I have stumbled and fallen. Unwilling to learn the lessons before me out of pride. Unwilling to shine the light of truth on the demons of my past because I KNOW they are simply exaggerations of myself. Knowing that the blame I lay on others is unfounded, for although others may bear fault for their actions, I alone am responsible for mine. It is to accept that it is not my place to judge others for their role in my journey. To acknowledge that others have simply accompanied me for a time. For MY choices they are guiltless.

The landmarks of my journey have thus far been seen as unimportant, this is the reason for my fear of getting lost. I have not taken the time to pay sufficient attention, therefore I do not think I have the necessary information to find my way. But that is neither true nor relevant. The truth is that I DO know the way. In moments of extreme desparation I see it clearly and my despair is magnified. For I see the path and it's obstacles, not the joyous resolution.

To this point, my focus has been entirely on failure. Failure has determined my actions and reactions, caused me to remain inactive and steeped in self-pity. I have been unable to see my successes and when I make a mistake I have allowed it to ruin my entire day. I determined at one point not too many years ago, not to beat myself up. To accept my culpability, learn and move on. Not to heap on myself more blame for a situation that I deserve. I often find myself again in the place of excess blame having not even realized I had returned.

In truth, there are many situations in my life where my choices could have been different, but as I look back I can only wonder, "who would I be if I had?"
Certainly not the man sitting here writing this blog. I know that perpetual success is not success at all, but mediocrity, for I cannot reach beyond my known limits without some failure. Perpetual success is the realm of complacency, for if I only attempt to do that which I know I will succeed at, I will succeed at doing nothing at all.

Living in Circles

I am finding it interesting that my life seems to be coming full circle now. Many of the things that were forced upon me in childhood, I am coming back to... perhaps with a different perspective as to why they are important, but I think most are simply with a different understanding of myself and the world around me.

I was encouraged (read required) to keep a gratitude journal as a young person. the focus was to learn to "see every experience as a gift from God". The habit of keeping a journal quickly fell by the wayside...I kinda lack the discipline to write every day as you have seen from this blog, but I believe that it did strengthen my natural optimism.

Keeping a gratitude journal though, also served a destructive purpose in my life, albeit unrecognized and unheralded, it reinforced the belief that bad things happen because of "sin" in ones life. That "undesirable gifts" are punishments, that challenges are obstacles set in our way to make us fall rather than to make us stretch.
What I did not understand at that time, and would not for many years, is that the true purpose of keeping a gratitude journal is based in the Law of Attraction. WHAT one focuses on facilitates an expectation of fulfillment which culminates in an openness to the experience (in biblical terms it would be written: Seek and ye shall find, Knock and the door shall be opened unto you.)
So, by ending my day recording things I am grateful for, my mind is put in a state of watchful readiness through the night into the next day where I subconciously begin to watch for the things I am grateful for. Because I am watching for them or expecting them they appear out of thin air (or so it feels  at the time) and I am free to enjoy the experience and start all over again.

A word of warning though, as I was taught that the following attitude is ok...

Do not think that being grateful that such and such bad thing did not happen to you will work... gratefulness is based on experiences that you have had, not the ones that passed you by. Being grateful that you have NOT had a negative experience brings about the same result as asking for the bad experience, because your focus is on the negative.

A Thread of Truth ........part 2

There has been a great deal of debate among my acquaintances lately as to the nature/existence of God. Involved with that discussion is the argument over whether or not the Bible is admissible as evidence.


One camp claims that the Bible can be used to prove itself wrong, but cannot be used by the other side to prove the existence of God....
The other camp asserts that the Bible cannot be used to prove itself wrong, but should be allowed as evidence  for God's existence. 


I for one think that this idea is incongruous. From a scientific standpoint...scientists look for holes in a document before relying on it as incontrovertible truth. You must address all contraindications in your findings before you can declare your findings accurate.
From a legal standpoint both sides must have access to a witness, then it is  up to those hearing the argument to determine the outcome.


Regardless of the outcome of the debate, this is part of what I believe to be true about the Bible.  Much of my thoughts have nothing to do with the actual text of the document except to address its claims to be:
a) infallible, without error
b) inspired by God
c) good for teaching, reproof and correction.

In looking at cultural  historiography  it is quite apparent that typically in the past, historic moments were not recorded when they happened, as most historic moments were not recognized as such till their story was almost unrecognizable as the actual event. Most of what was recorded on a day to day basis were the deaths and births in important families and financial/legal transactions.  Therefore as far as factual information is concerned the best this text can offer is genealogies, financial and troop accounting, and laws both civil and religious.


Cultural study has shown that most peoples preserve a type of oral history , legend or myth (think Paul Bunyan) for many generations before either a) the culture acquires written language or b) someone gets the bright idea to write it down.
Thankfully I have several of the various incarnations of my dad's stories of the same fishing trip under my belt and so have first hand knowledge of how historiography works.


Culturally we all tell stories for many of the same reasons. Our foremost reason is to impart knowledge to another. Another reason is to model appropriate behavior. We tell stories to try to explain phenomena that we do not understand, and sometimes we tell stories just for the fun of it. All of the stories that we tell that are picked up and retold by the next generation become a part of our culture and ultimately a part of our history.
Most of us understand that grandpa didn't really walk 10 miles to school in six foot of snow with no shoes, uphill... both ways.... but that he's really trying to teach us to be grateful, or that he just likes to bitch.


I think that this is what the Bible actually is... a compiled cultural history... complete with fish stories and moral lessons, kernels of truth about factual events layered with the exaggerations which create mythical heroes and subsequently turns them into gods.
I also believe that if you look at the cultural record long enough you will find that nearly every author on the face of the planet believed that they were divinely inspired both to produce their work and in all of the production of their work. It is not so great a stretch then, if you believe that there is a Creator or that there could be one, to understand that any act of creation would be "divinely inspired". But that does not mean that there are no errors in those creations, not does it mean that science from that time could not be disproved at a later time as more data is collected.


Even documents containing errors are good for teaching and reproof... if for no other reason than to say "This is in error." The purpose for stories in general is to instruct while entertaining. The characters are meant to be emulated, ridiculed, reviled or pitied. They speak of human potential to both ends of the spectrum.
So, as to the Bible's claim that it is inspired by god and good for teaching? Yeah, I will give it that. Of course it never said "only the scriptures between these covers." so, one could argue that, since that was one sentence in one letter written to one man, that the larger definition of scripture applies and ALL SCRIPTURE(sacred religious texts) is inspired by god and good for teaching, or that just the letters from that man to the other...
I am personally of the opinion that Paul specifically chose a word that meant "writing" to include all writing... everything formed from the creative spark. Paul was often very vague about what could be included in a list, but excruciatingly specific about what could not.


I see no contradiction that this verse means exactly what the greek says...
"All writings are inspired by god and are profitable for all manner of teaching and instruction."

Footnotes from the boy in the dress

Who am I without my story?
this has become a pervading question in my mind recently. If I choose to rewrite my past, not to change the facts, but to use those facts as events of empowerment, how would I rewrite my story?
This is an agonizing question for me. Occasionally I see glimmers of truth and power in the events of my past, yet mostly they are hard to see and even harder to focus on.
My past has many interesting footnotes, most of which I have been afraid or ashamed of for a very long time. Ashamed that I could not be the perfect child in a legalistic system. Ashamed that I had been born a girl. Afraid  of the wrath of my parents. Afraid that I really was displeasing to God. Afraid that no one would approve of me...and ashamed that that even mattered. Fear ruled my childhood, shame ruled my young adulthood. I felt that I was never going to be allowed to discover my true self, and was afraid of what I would find if I did.


I have come to a point in my life that I cannot ignore my past any longer, it is time to embrace the things that shaped me, the things that made me the man that I am today. I no longer fear my history, but rather look back on it to inform my present and create my future.
I have come to the point where it is ok for me to admit that I am a man with a woman's body, who was raised as a girl by parents who had no clue what was going on inside my head. I can't fault them, for I never told them. Never once did I tell my mother that I felt something was wrong, so great was my shame.


Why?
Because God doesn't make mistakes, not even in my case...It never occurred to me that it might not be a mistake, but part of a plan...at least not then. Nope, I was simply stating to myself that God fucked up...and in my family, that brought shame, and fear. I was just as afraid to tell my mother what I was going through. The reprisals for "rebellion" were horrific. I knew that if they were not able to change my mind, that it would be bad.
So, out of fear and shame, I asked God to take away my unbearable desire to be a boy...when puberty hit with no answer from God, I felt that I was doubly fucked...because when puberty struck it was with all the desires of a boy... a gay boy...and by that time I "knew enough" to know that this was WRONG.
Of course I didn't know anything about homosexuality except that it was wrong. God said it was wrong. Mom and Dad said it was wrong. But I knew what attracted me and how I felt about myself...and so I prayed that God would take away those urges and desires as well...


fast forward ten years or so...


still no answer.


This has been the story of my life...fear...shame...begging to be changed...NO ANSWER.


Now, several years into the process of making myself whole, I have realized...that although I am much more than the boy in the dress, the boy in the dress has shaped the man in the mirror, and finally the man in the mirror is who the boy saw when he looked into his mind to find himself.
And so I embrace my history, wholeheartedly. I will not try to change my history to fit the person I have become, because if my history had been changed I would not be the person I am today. Nor will I let the boy in the dress, with all his emotional baggage limit my present or destroy my future.
So who am I? I am the same person that I have always been. My name has changed, as many cultures change their names, but i am the same person. 


I am Sean Walker....Artist.....Writer.... Friend....Son.


That authentic voice has just spoken... you know, the one that blurts shit out without thinking... the one that sneaks past your internal censors and shocks everyone including you.  When I wrote that answer it shocked me, because, although I have always wanted to be a writer I never actually considered myself one.

My story may be a part of me, but I am not my story. 

Your Story

My tagline reads “Everyone comes to the point, at some time, where they must just walk away.” I don't think I realized just how profound that statement would be for my life, or anyone else's for that matter. When I wrote it, I was simply angry, frustrated at my upbringing, my circumstances and my previous belief system that seemed to still have somewhat of a stranglehold on my life. I was trying to deal with emotional baggage and turmoil.

I was wallowing in my story.

It was a good story, too. Full of angst and anger, abuse and self-loathing, with a main character who was lost and trying to find his way in the world. I have written some of my story on this blog previously. I wanted others who had shared experiences to know they weren't alone.

Yeah... at least that was what I told myself.

Looking back, I know I didn't believe that part of the story because I couldn't bring myself to write all of it. Something just didn't jive. As badly as part of me wanted to, I couldn't continue to demonize my parents for raising me the way they did. So I quit writing.

But I didn't quit thinking about how to tell my story, I just knew that I couldn't tell it the way I had intended to.

Tonight I watched the season premier of Oprah's Lifeclass Tour. (You can watch it on www.oprah.com... sign in or sign up and go to Lifeclass)She shared the stage with Iyanla Vanzant. They spoke of overcoming your pain, and overcoming your past.

I think the most powerful portion of the program for me was meeting Steve, a gentleman who was down on his luck, depressed and on the verge of diving back into chemical addiction. During the course of the conversation with Steve, Iyanla asked him where his daddy was. Steve replied that he was deceased. She then explained that she was not asking about his father, but his daddy... the man who “put the tapes in your head on how to be a man”. To which he replied he never had one. She had recognized in him that he was one of what she calls “the fatherless sons”.
Iyanla then proceded to stand him up, take hold of his face (gently as a mother would) and tell him  "Your mother loved you unconditionally and she asks your forgiveness for not being who you wanted her to be. And your father is proud of you. Your father is proud of you." She repeated this several times as tears began to stream down his face and his expression began to change from pain to peace. And then she yelled out “I need a man!”
She called two gentlemen up on stage, stood one face to face with Steve...to be his fathers voice... and the other back to back...so that Steve would know that his brother had his back, and instructed the gentleman facing Steve to tell him that his father is proud of him.

I must admit, at this point I was in tears. I realized that in that moment, those things were being said to me...and that I desperately needed to hear them.

But there was another transforming moment for me in this broadcast.

Iyanla asked Steve:

“Who would you be without your story?”

My story... I don't do drugs, rarely do alcohol anymore, cigarettes are losing their appeal... but I have been addicted to my story for years, and like all addictions it has torn me down, beaten me up and left me bleeding on the side of a deserted road. And in true addict form, when someone has come along to help me up, I have immediately sought another fix, by telling them my story...

And so, I ask you, as I ponder this question myself...
Who would you be without your story?

...A Thread of Truth part 1

I remember my parents looking down on my grandmother for religiously watching Robert Schuller because he preached a “prosperity gospel” and a “social gospel”. A kind of truth diluted if you will, till there is no vestige of the original truth left to see. I knew that Schuller had associations with Norman Vincent Peale's writings and that was part of what upset my parents so badly. What I couldn't understand was why, If God loved us SO much, it was bad to teach that He wants those who follow Him to be successful in all their endeavors.

As I got older, and started reading the Bible for myself, passages like the Sermon On the Mount where Jesus spoke of God's love for us by comparing how beautifully He clothed the flowers... the ideals that I was being taught made even less sense.

I also began to understand the concept of the “social gospel” as I grew older. Great contempt was shown in my household for those who would reach the masses using the things the masses understood (unless those masses were primitive people being reached on a foreign pioneering mission field). Concerts were out, as were movies or events featuring food, sporting events or even river rafting trips...these mundane, and enjoyable activities were not to be used as a primary method of spreading God's Love because they were gimmicky. My parents believed that if you used these methods as your primary outreach tool, when those things went away so would your “converts”. But their disdain didn't make sense to me as I read the Scriptures that they so prided themselves in following. Jesus himself spent his time among the rabble... the outcasts of society. It seemed to me that Jesus was in the habit of meeting people where they lived. He wasn't afraid to cut someone down a notch who interacted with the world from a self-inflated viewpoint while at the same time expressing genuine compassion for someone in the depths of dispair. He used the metaphors people understood... to the fishermen he said he would make them fishers of men, but he knew that concept would be lost on the tax collector, who he instead told to render unto Caesar that which was Caesars and unto God that which was God's...To the lawyers of the day (Pharisees and Sadducees) he pointed out the fine points of the laws that they themselves were breaking because they were always arguing amongst themselves about what the law “really” meant, but to the woman accused of adultery he simply said “go and sin no more” after first having chased away her accusers.

And so, I read and I studied these things and it made even less sense to me to revile those preaching a “social gospel” because it seemed that a social gospel was in fact what Jesus himself preached.

A Thread of Truth

I have struggled for years with the ideals and dogmas that I was taught in childhood. Even as I was being taught these things some did not necessarily ring true. Some of them I questioned openly, earning sharp rebukes...told not to question God...the rest, well, you could say that I learned quickly.

Now, nearing 40, I have come to the conclusion that it is time to revisit my former ideals and dogmas, not in order to return to that which I never really believed(yet sold to anyone who would listen), but to find the positives in my own experience and perhaps discover the thread, that when plucked rings true to the human experience...to perhaps find...

The Thread of Truth