Apostate Son returns…to his Book of Shadows

It's crazy to think that it's been almost ten years since i last posted. Shortly after my last post, I got into a relationship, and one of the things that occured is that I quit writing, not only here, but writing in general. I didn't feel comfortable writing my thoughts, dealing with my issues, airing my own dirty laundry. I wasn't told not to write, I don't even know if he knew I was blogging before we got together, but something about our interactions kept me from writing. Since then I realized that I must walk away from that relationship, that it wasn't a healthy relationship to be in. I have spent alot of time thinking since then, and realized how therapeutic the act of writing was for me, as well as the fact that I was using writing to help heal me from past issues, and to create my future. As I thought about the therapeutic core of my writing I found several videos about shadow work. It seemed like an interesting concept, so I dove in. It seems that although shadow work has been a thing since the dawn of man, Carl Yung was the guy who coined the term. His idea was that a child, when encouraged to suppress a part of their personality because it is unacceptable according to their formative authorities, the act of suppression has created of that part of the personality a shadow, which is pushed down and not allowed to be expressed because if it is expressed the child will not be loved. In light of that, our shadow is a coping mechanism designed to hide the things that we are and we desire that would not be accepted in our social circle. I have decided to start doing shadow work, I had decided to call this series of posts my Book of shadows, but after rereading my original posts I have come to realize that this entire blog is my book of shadows...not in the occult sense, no spells or rituals, but in the frame of reference of yungian psychology. Secrets deep and dark, some good, some not... will be exposed. changes will occur.

The Power of Words

In recent days there has been quite an uproar within the *trans community...
It's become something of a verbal tennis match that I am still trying to wrap my head around...

Back and forth the camps volley at each other... both claiming ownership of a single word... one side wants to use it, to empower it, to see in it validation for who they are...the other side wants to silence it, wants it eradicated from living language, burdened by the hate with which that one word has been flung at them...

Who is right? Is there even a right in this matter?

It is amazing to me that one word can rip at a community so thoroughly...One word uttered repeatedly by a famous individual WITHIN the community can beget so much divisiveness. That one word can be imbued with so much power for both sides of the argument.

For my own part, I have never actually been a victim of a hate crime... I have not had the word TRANNY hurled at me in disgust, or loathing, accompanying fists or rape. I have not truly experienced the dark side of the world of transsexuality. I have proudly called myself a tranny, tranny fag, FTM, transboy, transman... I have OWNED the word, for it is mine, born of my experience as a person of gender difference.

I do not wish to minimize the tragedy of those who have experienced hate crimes. Nor do I wish to silence their voices, the viewpoint of one who has been damaged by those who use a certain word definitely needs to be heard.

And yet, I have been learning lately that words bring only the memories that I have associated with them.
Those of us who choose to identify as Trannies, do so associating community, family, courage, determination and honesty with that word.
Those who choose not to use the word Tranny, do so associating pain, fists, angry faces and raised voices.
Both are valid. Both serve a purpose. Both meet a personal need.

I think that the lesson that needs to be learned here...
The overarching reasoning....
The resounding implications...

If I choose to identify as a Tranny and use that word in a powerful way...
If you choose not to  use the word Tranny, due to the pain that has been caused during it's use...

Do not seek to rob me of my power and I will not deign to rob you of your pain.

I am NOT a #RuPaulogist.... But I stand with him as a person who embraces gender difference and proudly self-references as a Tranny....

Craving Health

One of the things I dearly love to do is cook (and of course eat...), so some of the changes I have been making in my life have been a little difficult.

For one, I had to learn how to cook things without frying them, or at least without frying them in like 3 or more inches of oil...

In the process of learning healthier cooking methods I have realized that I really enjoy coming up with recipes  myself. OK, maybe I always knew that, but some part of me wanted to start with an existing recipe and then just tweak it, but lately I have been just grabbing things out of the pantry and refridgerator and hoping that by god they would taste good when i am done. For the most part they have, the only thing I had to throw away was a chicken and rice dish that had WAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAY too much rice in it and was irreparably dry and underseasoned.

What has impressed me the most about this process is that I have been able to put together meals and spice profiles that perfectly complement foods I have never eaten. This is exciting for someone who loves to cook and hates to throw food away.

The other thing I have noticed is that I have started CRAVING foods I have never tasted. That I am literally tasting them before I decide to buy them and they have never passed by my lips before. That is only part of whats going on with these food cravings though.

the other thing that is happening with my food cravings.... being a good little seeker, I have been researching the foods that I am craving, and finding that EVERYTHING I have been craving lately deals with an area of my health currently being managed by medication, and I have discussed with my doctor starting to wean me off the meds.

It's just a little strange to me, that our body can tell you exactly what you need even if you have never had that item.

Spoonfulls of Change

Fast forward through twenty years of being overweight, out of breath, out of energy and unable to do half of the things I wanted to do, unable to find clothes that fit with no sense of security or confidence in myself.... I had finally had enough.

I had grumbled about being fat and out of shape for the last time(at least without doing something about it).

I started slowly, of course, because I wanted lasting change in my life...I wanted to lose 100 lbs and NOT gain it an another 20 back in six months. I wanted to HAVE the body I saw in my minds mirror.... to be able to see it in the real mirror looking back at me. Hell, I wanted to be able to walk around the block and not have to stop and rest, and I wanted to be able to bend over and tie my shoes. So, I quietly started removing things from my personal diet....slowly adding new and exciting healthful options.

Well, I didn't actually do it quietly, my best friend got a thousand earfulls during this time. The cool thing about that is he encouraged me to continue this journey of walking away from unconscious eating and lethargy. He quite literally basked in my excitement for change, and life and the possibilities of recreating myself. I think he caught the fever, even if just to push me further.

So I stopped eating fried foods, and increased my veggie intake, started experimenting with a dietary lifestyle that edged around vegetarian (edgetarian? lol). Tried to make the perfect black bean burger....still working on that one.... and discovered the joy of egg white omelettes with spinach and mushrooms and that I like them better than traditional omelettes.

And after all this miniscule change that I was soooooo very proud of (and still am) I STILL had a heart attack.

But although it might have knocked me out of the game for a minute....and I gained a shit ton of weight... the heaviest I have ever been at 315, fortunately most of that was water and a properly applied diuretic brought me back to where I was pre-attack... I came back smarter and more determined than ever.

(So in the smarter more determined process, I have been in the gym nearly every day since February and have lost 6% of my body fat and gained somewhere around 15 lbs of muscle.... so I would say it's working)

D@#$..............The Dirty Word!

DIET................

The word strikes fear and revulsion in the hearts, minds and guts of millions of people daily. I was no different.
 In my early teens my mother tried incessantly to help me lose the weight I was gaining.

Of course, I rebelled.

It wasn't that I didn't want to be healthy, or fit.... It wasn't even that I didn't like the food she was serving to that purpose (OK, boiled cabbage topped with BBQ sauce IS nasty....lol). I think, honestly, it was the hypocrisy (as I saw it), both of my parents were obese at that time, and I felt like the only reason we were "dieting" is because I was 10-20 lbs overweight. I think we also had the notion that healthy food is supposed to taste like cardboard, and for a foodie that is unthinkable.

Looking back we tried many things, some worked sporadically, some, well I don't remember if they worked because some of that time I have intentionally blocked from my memory. I know we did WeightWatchers for a good bit of time, and I believe it worked for the most part, however, weight watchers doesn't teach one how to "think healthy" but only how to "do healthy". I don't know if that makes much sense, but we weren't taught to view food as food in weight watchers, everything was about the "exchange". It's not a bad system, it just wasn't right for me. I didn't learn to look at real food for it's nutritional value....i.e. what that food does for and to my body, instead I was instructed to look at food for arbitrary number values that didn't have any meaning for me. So, while we lost weight while doing weight watchers, we quickly regained when we couldn't afford to use the program anymore because it didn't actually prepare us for going it alone.

We tried the "Daniel Diet" about the same time that we joined a local food co-op....it wasn't bad but unfortunately it quickly devolved into a cabbage diet because the co-op got a really good deal on cabbages and we wound up with like ten heads...for a family of 3.

Sporadically we did exercise, which isn't really high on the priority list of homeschool families. We would do early morning aerobics along with the broadcast on TBN... looking back, quite honestly it is hard to get your heart rate up to melodious instrumentals with little to no identifiable drumbeat. And then for a time we walked 3-5 miles a day around a local park...of course we would stop on the way home and pick up fattening food from a fast food place cause we were too tired to prepare a meal after that. I will say that although I didn't lose much weight (I think I have always gained muscle faster than I lose weight) my legs looked amazing that summer and I felt better overall.

What fascinates me while looking back, is the realization that although I pushed back against the dieting craze my mother seemed to go through, I have always been interested in nutrition and healthy lifestyles. This was confirmed for me recently while talking to my mother...I had had a memory flash of me bringing home nutrition, fitness, martial arts and bodybuilding books one summer and devouring them...she remembered that time and said that was about the time that I started enjoying cooking. (this may have even been when I became a foodie).

The problem with my newfound love for cooking was twofold...1. I didn't have an instinctive knowledge of portion control due to environmental factors and 2. I didn't have enough understanding of nutrition and the physiological effects of food to modify the recipes that we had in the house. My palate had been trained to cheeseburgers, fried chicken and hamburger helper because they were inexpensive and easy to prepare. I didn't know how to use spices and seasonings and at that time was afraid to try. So, I enjoyed cooking alot... but what I was cooking was slowly killing me.

The gods in their infinite wisdom...cough, cough....

The gods in their infinite wisdom...cough, cough.... saw fit a couple of weeks ago to test both my constitution and my charisma in this ongoing role play called life....




On September 7, I had a heart attack and the following Thursday I went under the knife for a double bypass surgery.  My sanity was tested as I came out from under anesthetic when I entered a several hour time loop, and was unable through any means to change the circumstances within the loop. I always thought it was just a novel plot for a movie, but there is something intensely frightening about actually experiencing a time loop.


I was able to leave the hospital after about 5 days, but the Doctors warned me that I would not be able to return to my "real life" for three to four months. During the first two weeks at home I was attended by my grandmother and my mother...definitely an interesting situation, and I like to think that I grew in patience and in wisdom, but frustration and animosity might be a more accurate assessment. 
I was approached between heart attack and surgery by a young woman I barely know, who wanted desperately to help.... so we talked for a few days and she decided to create a chip-in account in my name, to help offset my living expenses while I am not working.

Now I am not one who really likes to ask for help, especially from complete strangers, but I am going to. 
If you would like to help offset my living expenses while I am out of work, please feel free to follow the link.
http://seanwalker.chipin.com/sean-walker



I am definitely trying to get back into the groove of writing.... peace
Sean

Redefining the Seven Basic Principles: Success

The Principle of Success.


Success is a concept that everyone can get behind, and Mr. Gothard has up to this point done a good job of leading up to this principle...teasing and flirting with his audience that he will be giving wonderful information about how to have true success. What he actually delivers in these sessions is his own personal brand of meditation.

The very idea of meditation was, in my home ridiculed until the word sprang forth from the mouth of Bill Gothard. I'm sure this was in part due to the popularization in the late 60's of Transcendental Meditation, or TM as it became known. It's easy to ridicule what you do not understand or the things that "don't apply" to you. The image given to me of meditation was one of bald-headed monks sitting for hours on end with no other goal than to "empty their minds" or of drug addled hippies swarming after the next great swami. In my conservative, white, middle-class, Southern Baptist home the concept was condemned simply because it came from the far east and was practiced by Buddhists and must therefore be associated with the worship of false gods.

One could say that Bill Gothard revolutionized both success and meditation for Christendom by redefining it based on a single verse out of the Old Testament. Joshua 1:8 states “This book of the law shall not depart out of thy mouth; but thou shalt meditate therein day and night, that thou mayest observe to do according to all that is written therein: for then thou shalt make thy way prosperous, and then thou shalt have good success”
Based soley on this verse and his own theories Mr. Gothard defined Success thus:

 "Discovering God’s purpose for my life by engrafting Scripture in my heart and mind, and using it to “think God’s thoughts” and make wise decisions. Meditating on Scripture brings Life Purpose."

Meditating was likened to the ruminating of sheep and cattle...(which if you really think about it could turn your stomach)...These animals have multiple stomachs none of which can draw the full nutritive value from the food that has been eaten, so that they must eat and vomit and reingest their vomit multiple times to get anything out of their food. Yep.... a very appealing analogy for sure.

Citing the reversal of his own bad grades, Mr. Gothard appears to have a clear case in his favor for this idea, yet he fails to mention that the discipline it took to memorize anything has a positive effect on schoolwork. He also fails to mention that the confidence that comes from doing one thing well translates well into doing most things well. And then he begins to tell us that "God's law" is the ONLY thing we are to study...mentioning (with great emphasis) the story of the Rabbi and the student who asked if they could study other religions, to wit the Rabbi replied with Joshua 1:8 saying that if the student could find a time that was neither day or night, then they would be allowed to study other beliefs during that time.

I believe that it is at this time that he introduces the Advanced Training Institute...a home education and apprenticeship learning program that is based in using the Bible to teach all academic subjects. Need to learn science?....there's a verse for that. How about Arithmetic?....there's a verse for that. Medicine? Grammar? History? Language?(of course the options are Greek...) well, we have bible verses to cover everything under the sun...and then some.....all taken out of context with the subjects sufficiently spiritualized  to be unrecognizable.


The real question at this point I think, is "Does it work?" like, ANY of it?

Actually the question I have been asking myself as I write these posts is even more important to me...

Is there ANY good to be taken from this experience, or was it just a waste of twenty years of my life?