losing the freedom of wonder

I don't even know what I want to write, I guess I am just hoping that if I start it will make it's way out. I understand that the journey is more about the process than the destination, but I would like some clue as to where I will end up. I guess I fear getting lost. I don't know why, but I think that maybe that is one of my biggest fears in this journey called life.

I've never really followed a rabbit trail to it's logical conclusion. I have always fought to bring myself back "to the plan". In our society rabbit trails and wild goose chases are frowned upon. The exploratory mind, with all it's wonder and enthusiasm, is labeled a medical malfunction.

We take trips and see not what surrounds us, but only the dotted line before us and the looming clock of our itinerary. Our only conscious concern is "Are we there yet?" We reward punctuality and tolerate discovery only when it fits within budgetary and time constraints. Time pieces encroach upon our lives, forcing out curiosity.

What we lose becoming adults is not the lack of responsibility of childhood, but the freedom of wonder. Natural curiosity is reduced to occasionally pushing boundaries. But that is how it is in larger society, and I am attempting to go deeper into myself. It is easy to remove the scrutiny of the self, replacing the personal with the royal. Often it is preferable to shift one's gaze outward rather than inward, to rail against the injustices, oversights and accusations of the group, hoping that the whole will learn that which the parts refuse. To look inward requires illuminating the darkness within... not the unknown, but rather the unacknowledged. To peer into the depths of the Soul and see that my failures and my successes are mine alone. To see the reality of choice for what it is... independent of external influence or theistic coercion.
Too often I don not wish to see these truths. The points along the journey when I have stumbled and fallen. Unwilling to learn the lessons before me out of pride. Unwilling to shine the light of truth on the demons of my past because I KNOW they are simply exaggerations of myself. Knowing that the blame I lay on others is unfounded, for although others may bear fault for their actions, I alone am responsible for mine. It is to accept that it is not my place to judge others for their role in my journey. To acknowledge that others have simply accompanied me for a time. For MY choices they are guiltless.

The landmarks of my journey have thus far been seen as unimportant, this is the reason for my fear of getting lost. I have not taken the time to pay sufficient attention, therefore I do not think I have the necessary information to find my way. But that is neither true nor relevant. The truth is that I DO know the way. In moments of extreme desparation I see it clearly and my despair is magnified. For I see the path and it's obstacles, not the joyous resolution.

To this point, my focus has been entirely on failure. Failure has determined my actions and reactions, caused me to remain inactive and steeped in self-pity. I have been unable to see my successes and when I make a mistake I have allowed it to ruin my entire day. I determined at one point not too many years ago, not to beat myself up. To accept my culpability, learn and move on. Not to heap on myself more blame for a situation that I deserve. I often find myself again in the place of excess blame having not even realized I had returned.

In truth, there are many situations in my life where my choices could have been different, but as I look back I can only wonder, "who would I be if I had?"
Certainly not the man sitting here writing this blog. I know that perpetual success is not success at all, but mediocrity, for I cannot reach beyond my known limits without some failure. Perpetual success is the realm of complacency, for if I only attempt to do that which I know I will succeed at, I will succeed at doing nothing at all.