I think that I am realizing that coming back to this town is having a different outcome than I anticipated. Yes, I came “home” to deal with my “demons”…to attempt to reconcile the way I was raised with what I know to be true about myself and what I believe to be true in the world at large. What I didn’t realize is that I would come to the conclusion that regardless of our differences of opinion so far as methods and dogma, my parents truly did what they thought was best for me.
I did not expect to walk away with a newfound appreciation for my mother and the sacrifices that she made for me. Nor did I really think that my stepfather and I would completely sever our relationship. I thought that they would see that I am still the person I always was, just with clearer vision about myself. I guess I was right and wrong on that one. They do see me as the same person that I was… but what they see is not me, they see their perception of me, and the physicality of who I am now, will probably never change that.
I guess it is hard for me to accept that everything I have done only feeds into their ongoing delusion of who I have always been and who I will continue to be… the rebel daughter who only seeks to shame them. The apostate child that needs to be forcefully brought back to “God”. Whose every decision is motivated by “that demonic crap” and sexual perversity.
My mother at least seems to be coming around a bit. This is by no means a small thing. I believe that we have agreed to disagree, and many aspects of my life are like the elephant in the closet…if we do not talk about it, perhaps it really isn’t there. She is in some ways attempting to treat me as a human being…for that I give her props. But she thinks all of my decisions are somehow linked to her being a horrible mother. Maybe she was a bad mother, but my decisions are my own, brought about by my own understandings of how the world works. Many of my decisions are based on things I was taught as a child, but most of those are good things. Some of my decisions have been reactionary…but then again, that was my decision, and I could have reacted in a different way.
Ultimately, my life is my own, the fault of no one but myself. Yes, I was shaped by early experiences, but how I choose to respond to those experiences today is MY responsibility. I can embrace those experiences, I can reject them, I can even look at them objectively and determine whether or not they fit the choice at hand, but those early experiences…rather the players involved in them…do not dictate my reaction…they simply inform it.
I am at a crossroads in my life, one that I will probably return to in many forms throughout the rest of my days. Where two diametrically opposed dogmas meet face to face and agree to go their separate ways.
This is a difficult journey for me… the return to my childhood, for that is what it is. I have returned to the very people who helped mold my character. One thing I have learned is that I am not much stronger than I was. I can stand up to him…but then I cow before him again. I do not know why I do this. I do not know how to change this. I have learned that you cannot argue with a bigot…you cannot even have a productive conversation…even about how to fix the car, because it all comes back to how wrong you are, and how right they are. Unfortunately, as I write this I see how I have in fact mirrored his attitude. Always, I have to win the debate, which turns into an argument because I cannot cede. Always, I have to prove that I am smarter, stronger, more bull headed than the other. It may not be weakness to walk away from a fight, but I am too strong to do so.
No comments:
Post a Comment